This Disease is Stealing My Life

By:Sean Adams

I’m sitting here tonight having just bitten my Wife’s head off, the dogs are avoiding me because of getting shouted at earlier, and I know I’ve managed to piss my daughter off at me at least once.
There’s this monster that lives in me, feeds off of me, and has left me unable to move past it. I take medication for it but they are self defeating in their own right.
Insulin is a fat storing hormone. Obesity has been proven to contribute to to type 2 diabetes, and the results are clear on my own testing that the more I weigh, the less in control of my blood sugar I am.
I take two other medications for it as well which each have the ‘fun’ side effect of causing drowsiness.

Adding to this is a deep depression that I also medicate, that medication of course also causes fatigue.
About seven years ago I went in for a sleep study, this was prior to the diabetes diagnosis, and was told I have sleep apnea. This began a long tortured relationship with a CPAP machine and mask. You see as it pumps air to keep my throat open, it creates a pressure vacuum, I swallow alot of air. This means I wake up with a horrible stomach ache and several hours of embarrassing flatulence if I wear it. So I can’t and don’t.
Really though it all boils down to the diabetes which I was diagnosed with at the age of 27.

When I get to the level of tired that I am tonight I lash out before I can catch myself. That’s when the monster takes over. I feel it’s claws deep within my brain wreaking havoc as my body works over time to fix the damage being caused.
Tonight I’m sitting here and I am especially down about it. I’m so tired of being so tired.
I have trouble thinking and find that I push words out as fast as I can during moments of mental clarity.
Some say a person has to push through the pain of illness or hurdles to accomplish what is required but when I feel this way the strength seems so far out of reach.
The worst part is that it makes me hungry and it makes me crave sweets. Added on top of a food addiction and the struggles is all to real for me.
Truth is I’m tired of being depressed about it. I’m tired of the effects it has on my body and mind that also carry over to how I treat my family.
This disease is stealing my life day by day. Will I continue to let it? I don’t know, I’m not sure I have the strength anymore to win this fight.

It isn’t cancer or another deadlier illness but it is an illness that will end my life sooner or later.
I guess it really comes down to if I am strong enough to finally beat it.


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